Post Traumatic Stress and Cancer?

I realized today that our cancer journey must be similar to other traumatic situations and wondered if we could be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress....I found this website and intend on checking it out further. It's very interesting. Here is what it says about PTSD and Cancer

"People affected by cancer report experiencing emotions and mental states with many highs and lows, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and post-traumatic growth (PTG).
Emotional extremes related to the cancer experience are not uncommon and can be worked through. Have patience with yourself. Explore different strategies to identify what helps you the most. If you feel stuck in a difficult emotional and mental place, try something new. Do not be afraid to ask for help."

http://www.embodiworks.org/cancertreatments/bodymindspirit/posttraumaticstress-growth/

If you visit this website, please let me know what you think about it. If it helps you on your journey in any way.

big hug
(((0)))

MyPromise Day 4 "Giving a voice to my feelings"

I decided today, after talking with a dear friend of mine that it is important for me, as a caregiver, to be able to share my feelings surrounding our life with cancer. A lot of times I will talk about what it is that my husband is going through, his current struggles with weight gain, pain control, his depression, etc, but I rarely will share what it is that I am feeling. It's time to do things differently. Though this talk is good for me, it is somewhat of a distraction, after all, when I can focus on him, I am not looking at myself. I'm not honoring my feelings.

After work today I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle, we traded fava beans for tomato plants. He's got these great 7 bean pods, while mine are 1-3 bean pods. He took advantage of the bragging rights and made fun of my poor little bean pods! LOL I love hin so much! Recently they found out that he has Lou Gherig's disease, it is progressing so fast that it's frightening. Saying good-bye to my Aunt at the door, our eyes filled with the pressure of our tears. "We're just so powerless," I told her. "I try to not let him see me cry," she said. "I cry in the morning before he's awake."I told her.

I get her pain, I get the need to be strong and ready to do whatever is necessary to help them. When I looked in her eyes I saw the fear, that perhaps only another caregiver would recognize. It's that absolute helplessness, it's horror at what the disease is doing to one so loved. When there is nothing you can do to  help them, to cure or solve the problem you are left with watching them suffer. It changes you, it has to.

So how am I feeling today? You know, I find it hard to answer this question. My mind instantly goes to his face, to how he sits in his chair with his body bent over his legs and his head hanging down. As I think about how to answer this I get flooded with a variety of feelings, yet it seems hard to put them to words. I think I'm numb, I think that crying should explain my feelings, they speak a thousand words, after all! Crying says that I'm scared; that somehow, I'm hurting for him, for what he's had to give up in order to live. Crying says that there is a lot of pain in powerlessness. Crying says I want this nightmare to stop, I want him to get better now. Crying says I love him so much, and why did this have to happen to him.

Flooded with feelings, I cry and cry. I feel tired, ready to go to bed, it is 11:35pm after all. I think I'll sleep really good tonight.

I just read this to my husband, boy was that ever hard to do. You know what he did? He danced a little jig and said, "Look, I'm doing alright!' I hugged him and sobbed into his shoulder and he held me so tight. :) He's such a dork! LOL

Good night.
big hug
(((0)))

MyPromise Day 3 "Pain medication or no pain medication"

My husband has been pretty miserable the last few weeks, both he and his doctor have agreed that he can stop the fentanyl patch and possibly the vicodin. The pain that he clearly has been feeling, I believe is a sign that perhaps he should not drop both sources of relief. His legs, hips and back have caused him so much grief. He's getting a couple of x-rays done towards the end of June, right before he sees his regular doctor to see whats going on there. He's looking for arthritis, joint problems anything that could be causing this pain. I wonder about his Lymphoma, since it was found in his bones could that be what causes the pain, or since it's in remission is it arthritis? I will post the question on the Non-Hodgekins Lymphoma support group on Facebook. I am so grateful for this group. It's been such a great source of support for me. https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/267286031762/   I will post what their answer when I get one.

His vicodin came in on Friday, and the relief it gave him was clearly evident. No more leg tapping, he's gotten better sleep at night, he has a better appetite, and a better frame of mind.  I had heard from my daughter from another mother, who has been going to medical school that there is a replacement drug out there for vicodin. One that doesn't have the tylenol in it. I will look for the name and talk with his doctor about it and see if it would be better for my hubby.

My Promise Day 2 "The Invisible Cord!"

I've joined the ranks of the wireless people! Finally I'm able to get on the internet right here as I sit next to my sweet husband in the living room! You should see how happy it makes us!!! No more missing blogs because I don't want to spend any more time away from him. I can't tell you how freeing it is! We have waited a long time to get wireless in our home. Thank you God!!! I love our invisible cord!!

MyPromise Day 1! "Ode to Traveler"

I haven't posted a blog since May 9th, tells you how much I've been on the computer lately. I've had a lot going on in my world, so I haven't wanted to add to the time away from my husband by getting on the computer, one room away from where he hangs out. So, yesterday I bought myself a wireless router which will take care of that little problem! I can hang out with him and blog at the same time!!

Making a promise and keeping it means a lot to me, unfortunately it just wasn't possible for me to be true to my word these last l6 days, so I decided that I'm going to start over...determined I am, to get 28 days in a row of blogging!

This will then be Day 1! Ode to Traveler

My husband is still in so much pain, and has so much nausea. The image I see of him when I close my eyes is him sitting in his recliner, leaning forward with his head bent down almost to his knees. I am so powerless to help him, to take away his nausea...his pain...his depression. Sometimes the sadness of it all just overcomes me. I pray for him every day, but I still don't see the kind of relief, the kind of recovery that I imagine for him. I want him better right now. Like yesterday! I hate cancer. 

Though I can't take away his experience, there is much I can do to help him through it all. Every day I set out his daily medications and his vitamins, and I rub his neck, shoulders and back twice a day. He really loves that..I make him relax and take deep breaths, sometimes I massage his face, especially when I see the deep furrows in his brow from squeezing his eyebrows together from all that pain. Can't tell you how many times I've told him to relax his face! Tuesday I will be scheduling an appointment for him to see a psychiatrist so that he and his anti-depressant's and anxiety meds can get evaluated. I'm so glad he is agreeing to go, he can be such a stubborn patient!

Traveler

2 weeks ago he had to sell his 1983 Ford Bronco to a Pick N Pull lot because no one was interested in buying it. It hasn't worked in nearly 2 years (needed a new motor) It's been his ride for longer then I've known him, and we have many fond memories with it. It took us to and from Virginia on a 30 day road trip back in 2000! We named it "Traveler," it was definitely a red-neck ride complete with HUGE tires! I had to climb a ladder to wash it's windows! LOL! Even though he knew it was time for it to go, it really plunged him further into his depression, me too. It seemed like it was another thing to lose to this disease. I know in my heart that we would have gotten rid of Traveler anyway since "He" was such a gas guzzler, but for right now it's cancers fault. It was hard coming home that first day and seeing the driveway empty. Just today I drove past our house because it wasn't there. I shook my head and then cracked up, as I backed up to our home. Thank God I can see the humor in things, it's just one way I've found of sticking it to cancer! Traveler was so much fun to drive, and I could parallel park it better then he could! At least that's the way I see it! Thank you for being of such great service to us, old boy. I'm crying. It's hard to let go, to walk through change, but I'm doing it, snotty nose and all!

MyPromise Day 8 "My Role is Changing"

I've realized that since my husband's cancers have been put into remission,  (I do the happy dance every time I say that!!!) my caregiving role is changing. The urgency to stay at home as much as possible with him has made way to more freedom of movement for me. I'm spending a little more time with family and friends, and am looking forward to the long days of summer ahead! I've been wanting to take the top off the jeep and go to the beach with girl friends for a few years now. It's officially a plan in the makings!! One of my girlfriends has already called shotgun!

Today was one of those opportunities to go hang out with my family. I met my parents at McDonalds after work for a quick bite, and then we went over to my Aunt and Uncle's to share my bounty of fava beans. My Uncle is a big fava bean fan, I really felt like they belonged with him since it's clear who enjoys them more! He gave me his "secret" recipe, so the next harvest I'm trying his exact recipe. I'm  hoping to love them, they are, after all a part of my Portuguese up bringing! 

It was nice spending time with them, they recently had their world rocked with a surprising diagnosis of Lou Gerhig's Disease.  My Uncle started losing weight at the beginning of the year for no apparent reason, and was feeling pretty weak. The last thing anyone expected was ALS. Here is a very informative webpage for ALS: 

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/amyotrophiclateralsclerosis/detail_ALS.htm

The article has some pretty grim statistics, I hate grim statistics, luckily there is a ray of hope in this line, "However, about 10 percent of ALS patients survive for 10 or more years." I'm praying that he and countless others with this disease will be in this category. It hurts to see the changes in him already, he's always been a vibrant, active man. I can relate to my Aunts pain. I see it in her face, what the disease is doing to her husband is breaking her heart. I get that......I wish I didn't. We are so powerless to stop these diseases, we can only do what we can to make our loved ones comfortable.

At home, hubby had a nice visit with his own Momma! She comes by once a week to bring him his favorite coffee from Starbucks and to see his beautiful face! They catch each other up, well, mostly its her catching him up...he's pretty quiet, and they hang out. He is able to handle visits from friends and family much better these days, as the pain and nausea begin to subside he isn't so irritable. I think he's enjoying being around himself more too! LOL I think he is enjoying being himself! Thank you God!

Bless us all with healing, peace, love, joy and success in all our ventures.

Big hug (((0)))

MyPromise Day 7 "The Smudge"

Today was yet another doctor's appointment, this time it was with a Urologist. My husband got the result of his last blood and urine test and everything came out "normal"! I love hearing the doctor's toss that word around! He had been battling some kidney stones for awhile and they wanted to see what was causing them. The ex-ray did show a "smudge" so he needs to get a CT scan in order to stop any guess work. The smudge could have been a "calcified vein, or perhaps a stone that could cause problems later." What exactly is a calcified vein? It doesn't sound good.

So, off we go to do what we do best, we wait for the appointment day to arrive, then we will wait for the result. In the meantime, I will not go into the creative area of my mind and make up what this "smudge" might be, or the kind of problem a "Calcified vein" can cause. I will busy myself with activities that I love, or with the book that I'm reading! The Hunger Games is a hard one to put down! It's the first book that I've read in a longtime. I will spend time with my hubby, family or friends, or critters and I will exercise! And then there is always God! I will give him the "smudge" and then trust the process. What ever they find will be revealed to us and at that time God will give us whatever we need in order to get through it, or we dance with joy over it's normalcy!

Good night!
Big hug
(((0)))

ps There was weight gain! 113.05 Woo Hoo!

MyPromise Day 6 "Our 4/14"

Today is a very special day for my husband and I, it's the 14th anniversary of the day we met and the 4th anniversary of the day we got married!  For the first time in two years we actually went to the movies! We saw the The Three Stooges, we wanted to see it as soon as we saw the first previews! They did a great job capturing the essence of the original trio!  It was funny, sweet and oh so disturbing! LOL! At first we were the only ones in the theatre, it was kinda nice having a private viewing!  Then, a few others came in and we reluctantly shared our space. We ordered popcorn and a soda...he forgot that he can't do his favorite carbonated drink of his not so long ago past...nausea hit him fast after the first sip. The wave passed before the movie started.

We laughed out loud, we held hands for a bit, we tried figuring out which actor played in some of the other movies/sitcoms that we've seen.  It felt good. They say laughter is good for the soul, well, we crave it!!

A Little Weight Loss

Hubby went in for his B-12 shot on Friday the 4th. He lost 3 pounds since his last visit, down to 110.8 pounds. I know it is very hard to gain weight without a stomach, all those small little meals seems to just be getting burned right off him. I'm going to talk to other Stomach Cancer patients and see what they've done to gain weight.

MyPromise Day 5 "The Calendar Theory"

Had a great weekend with my hubby! A few weeks ago I wrote " Home Day" on the calendar and promised him that today would be ours. The universe tried to fill up my day with other events that really sounded like fun, but I've come to believe in the "Calendar Theory!" It works like this, what you put on the calendar first is what you do, the only way to say yes to something else is if God removes the first event. This Calendar Theory had slipped my mind until 3 events started to creep into my day. I started feeling guilty about them until I remembered the Theory, I promptly called off one meeting, told my parents, no to lunch with them and a few of my brothers, and the other I hadn't officially said yes to.  It felt great having the day to ourselves!

He wanted to get some yard work done, so that's what we did! We spent yesterday doing the same thing, it's heartwarming seeing him feel up to walking around with the weed wacker or pushing the lawn mower around. He couldn't do much of the lawn mowing, at one point needed me to start the mower.. It kinda of caught my breath hearing him ask me for help in that department. God bless him, it's amazing that he did what he did! I don't hesitate to join him in chores that he'd like to see get done around here. It makes things seem kind of normal, every act of yard work is like saying, "F@%$ YOU CANCER!! We are living our life despite of you!!

MyPromise Day 4 "The Book"

Might as well take advantage of feeling wide awake at 2:09 am and write out today's blog! I don't want to be in the same predicament as yesterday...typing up my blog with only moments to spare in the day...I mean I like the little added excitement and all, but...come on!!! I don't need to feel stressed out over something that I want to do!

I was wondering what to write about until I read a few posts in our Stomach Cancer Warriors and Caregiver Family group site, it inspired me to share a story that happened just a few weeks ago. I had just met a woman named Kathryn, and we were talking about the cancers in the lives of people that we love, suddenly a look came over her face and she realized that she had something for me. Earlier that morning she had put a book in her car that she no longer needed, thinking that she may run into somebody that does. Did God tell her about the Stomach Cancer Family group? He must have whispered  in her ear that she would be meeting somebody that day who could use a book like this. "Do you think you would like to have this book?" she asked, and handed me "help me live - 20 things people with cancer want you to know." by Lori Hope. Tears welled up in my eyes, they are welling up right now, actually. "Really?" I said, "This is the perfect book for me right now."  Thank you God for introducing me to Kathyrn, and for this book!

I can't wait to share the lists that Lori Hope has created, she has a list of those "20 things people with cancer want you to know", but there are more lists, like "21 more things that people with cancer want you to know" and then, "16 fabulous things people did for and said to cancer patients", and and and....but before I can share with you I have to get permission from her publisher, so I will get right on that! What a journey that will be!!

Good night, bed is calling!

MyPromise Day 3 "Blog Free Thursdays"

Ok, I got two minutes to post this!!! Yikes!!!  I realized that I cannot include Thursday's in my promise to blog for 28 days. It's the one day of the week where I am busy from sunrise to sunset and I can't squeeze time out for anything else.

MyPromise Day 2 "May is Brain Cancer Awareness Month"

I woke up on the couch at 10:20pm and thought OMG...I gotta get my blog on! I have to keep my promise, it's very important to me to be true to my word, so here I am!

May is Brain Cancer Awareness month and I'd like to take some time to honor all those people who bravely live with this disease. When I first started looking for support for myself online I joined a support group that was open to the public. I mentioned that I needed a support group that was "closed" to the eyes of the world because my husband is a very private man and I needed to honor that. A woman messaged me and told me about her group and let me know that I was more then welcome to join, even though the cancers that our partners were living with were very different. I joined her group and was embraced by so many people who encouraged me, who lifted me up, who gave me suggestions and insight, and who didn't care if I kinda of stuck out like a sore thumb. I met some incredible people who I admire so much, who I will always be grateful for. The woman that started the group inspired me to start a group that was exclusive for Stomach Cancer and the miracles just keep happening. The people in our group inspire me, help me take care of my husband, they make me laugh, make me cry and inspire me to become a better person. My world is a better place because they are in it.

If you or someone you love has been affected by Stomach Cancer you can join our Stomach Cancer Warriors and Caregiver Family group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/152766261499442/


If you, or someone you love is living with Brain Cancer please ask to join the Brain Cancer Family group on Facebook, you will find love and support that will lift you up on your journey.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/111630445593565/

Good night it's past my bedtime, I will start blogging earlier tomorrow!
Big hug
(((0)))

My Promise28

In honor of Japan's Livestrong 1 year anniversary I am promising to blog every day for 28 days straight. It's a healthy habit and will get me used to sharing my experience as a caregiver for my husband who is a survivor of two cancers. They say that it takes 21 days to start a new habit, I'm giving it an extra week for good measure! Here is a blurp from their event page on Facebook.
https://www.facebook.com/events/361747297206897/ 

"MyPromise28 is an individual promise to yourself and others around you to take action and make a healthy change in your life for 28 days or more. You can start anytime and this can be done anywhere in the world. Examples could be starting any good habit such as walking every day or giving up a bad habit such as smoking for 28 days or more or forever! You could even start reading about health or do something more spiritual like yoga or some other form of meditation for your promise.

A goal does not necessarily have to be anything athletic. For a cancer survivor just being able to get up every morning and go back to their hobby, like painting or flower arrangement is what is most dear to them and if they can do that every other day for 28 days that is more than a success.

Other suggestions:
-brown bag your lunch to work and save the money for a donation to charity. If anyone asks why all the frugality you tell them about MP28 and LIVESTRONG
-do the dishes for your wife every day
-promise to read every night
-read a bedtime story to your kids every night"

It's bedtime, 5:30 comes way too early. Thanks for the day, God. I didn't see any improvement in my husbands nausea today, it's been 8 months since his last round of chemo and radiation. The doctor said that the effects would last longer while his weight was down. Please bring on the weight, being free of the nausea would be a huge relief for him. He endures so much without a complaint. He is so strong. I would say he definitely lives strong!