I decided today, after talking with a dear friend of mine that it is important for me, as a caregiver, to be able to share my feelings surrounding our life with cancer. A lot of times I will talk about what it is that my husband is going through, his current struggles with weight gain, pain control, his depression, etc, but I rarely will share what it is that I am feeling. It's time to do things differently. Though this talk is good for me, it is somewhat of a distraction, after all, when I can focus on him, I am not looking at myself. I'm not honoring my feelings.
After work today I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle, we traded fava beans for tomato plants. He's got these great 7 bean pods, while mine are 1-3 bean pods. He took advantage of the bragging rights and made fun of my poor little bean pods! LOL I love hin so much! Recently they found out that he has Lou Gherig's disease, it is progressing so fast that it's frightening. Saying good-bye to my Aunt at the door, our eyes filled with the pressure of our tears. "We're just so powerless," I told her. "I try to not let him see me cry," she said. "I cry in the morning before he's awake."I told her.
I get her pain, I get the need to be strong and ready to do whatever is necessary to help them. When I looked in her eyes I saw the fear, that perhaps only another caregiver would recognize. It's that absolute helplessness, it's horror at what the disease is doing to one so loved. When there is nothing you can do to help them, to cure or solve the problem you are left with watching them suffer. It changes you, it has to.
So how am I feeling today? You know, I find it hard to answer this question. My mind instantly goes to his face, to how he sits in his chair with his body bent over his legs and his head hanging down. As I think about how to answer this I get flooded with a variety of feelings, yet it seems hard to put them to words. I think I'm numb, I think that crying should explain my feelings, they speak a thousand words, after all! Crying says that I'm scared; that somehow, I'm hurting for him, for what he's had to give up in order to live. Crying says that there is a lot of pain in powerlessness. Crying says I want this nightmare to stop, I want him to get better now. Crying says I love him so much, and why did this have to happen to him.
Flooded with feelings, I cry and cry. I feel tired, ready to go to bed, it is 11:35pm after all. I think I'll sleep really good tonight.
I just read this to my husband, boy was that ever hard to do. You know what he did? He danced a little jig and said, "Look, I'm doing alright!' I hugged him and sobbed into his shoulder and he held me so tight. :) He's such a dork! LOL
Good night.
big hug
(((0)))
No comments:
Post a Comment