O'DAT!

I haven't blogged here since June 8th. Wow, where did the time go? I guess I needed to go out and get more material on which to blog about.  First things first, I need to comment on my failure to keep the promise of blogging for 28 days straight. I will keep my comment brief....I failed. Yup, it's just that simple! I since have found a great acronym that will help me decide if committing myself to something is realistic for me. It's beautiful, rather silly and oh so helpful in all area's of my life. It's O.'D.A.T. Now, when something comes up I ask myself, using the Promise of blogging for 28 days as an example, "Self, do I have "the opportunity" to be able to blog for 28 days straight?" then, "do I have the "desire" to blog for 28 days straight?" Then, "do I have the "ability" to blog for 28 days straight?" And finally, "do I have the "time" to blog for 28 days straight?" If I answer "no" to any of these answers, then the assignment in question is clearly not for me to do at that given time. If I had asked myself these questions way back in May when I started to attempt the 28 day run, I would have gotten only 3 yes's. I had the Opportunity, the Desire and the Time, just not the Ability "yet". I think it's going to take awhile to make a skilled blogger out of me, am I willing to run that theory through the O.'D.A.T.? You bet'cha! And I will get four strong yes's!!!

MyPromise Day 1 "Grrrrrr."

Yes, Day 1 again! It's really beginning to frustrate me all the little things that I allow to get in the way of me getting my blog on. Sometimes it's simply me not having the drive to do it, sometimes, there is so much life in my day that I'm too tired to come over here and blog, sometimes there is nothing going on except watching my husband suffer through his latest side effects, or ailments that are causing him to suffer in pain, the grief I feel at times is crippling. BUT! Determined I am to blog for 28 days straight, darn it!  So....grrrrrrr.....it's going to happen!

So, what's been going on here? My husband has been dealing with excruciating joint pain, bone pain and back pain...at one point last weekend it was an 8 on the pain scale. He has a lot of tolerance for pain, so 8 for him would be 15 for anyone else. It kept him up most of that weekend... breaks my heart to not be able to help him. I tried heat, massage, he rocked in bed with his knees pulled up under his chest...why does he have to keep having such extreme hardships? Why? It makes me angry....grrrrrrr! This week, it's not as bad, probably a 4 to 5, but before he can get his day going he has to allow the tylenol to kick in a bit. It's 3 and it hasn't kicked in yet.  It will, early evenings seem to be best for him.

For me, I'm finally on vacation for the summer. Middle School is officially over for the summer and I am one happy camper! I'm starting the summer off with 4 to 5 straight days of babysitting the grandkids. It can be work, but I have so much fun with them! They give me so much joy, God knew what he was doing when he gave me Grandkids! LOL Speaking of which, I'm off to get ready to go hang out with them!

MyPromise Day 4 "Countdown to Summer Vacation"

Today was day 4 in my countdown to summer vacation! Everyone, kids, teachers, staff, all are either stressed out with all the last minute things to do, or jumping off the walls with excitement. It's fun to watch these middle schoolers as we get close to the end of the school year, some it seems have no more brain cells, others thank goodness, step up to the plate and show that they are ready to move up a grade! I'm a Special Ed Aide in a Social Thinking Class where we address the needs of the Asperger teens. This has been my very favorite year. This job, even with it's more difficult days has truly been a gift to me in this cancer walk with my husband. It's allowed me to get out of self, and help these amazing students of ours, plus, as a bonus I've gotten to create a book of poetry, make movies, create new documents, help with art projects, and learn. I love it! Today was another hard day for my hubby, he did get a few more hours of sleep, which makes a big difference, but he feels achy all over and thinks that he may have a cold coming on. His temperature is normal, I pray that this passes. Tomorrow he gets a CT scan on his kidneys, the urologist wants a good look at the stones, or the smudge he sees there. Praying for good news. Will share the results tomorrow. Good night!

MyPromise Day 3 " Rinse and Repeat"

I feel like a Zombie today, walking around just doing whatever absolutely has to get done, which means laundry, feeding us, our dog, cat, fish, plants and the least favorite... poop duty!

My hubby had another very rough night sleep, which meant that so did I, plus, as a bonus I got to be very concerned about him. He didn't get any sleep at all because the joint pain was soo bad, at 10 he  climbed out of bed and sank into his easy chair, watched some racing and finally fell out at 2pm. This will pass, this will pass, this will pass...is my matra for the day. I will be heading to the bedroom very early today so I can get some sleep for tomorrow's early rising. I need to get back on track with sleep, exercise and journaling...all of which have been out of the picture this entire weekend.

Oh, while cooking brunch I noticed this very cool thing going on with my glasses...here's the photo!
It's screaming for a caption!! Got a good one, let me know!

MyPromise Day 2 "Not in a good place"

I was gone all day yesterday with my grandkids and when I got home (1:30am) I told my hubby good night and went right to bed. Around 4 he climbed into bed and all the rest of the night he kicked and rocked, his joint pain was through the roof. On the scale of 1-10 he called it an 8. "This is just hell," he said as he struggled to get comfortable. Nothing I tried to do made him comfortable, massaging the back of the knees didn't work, a heating pad didn't work, the tylenol didn't work, praying didn't work. Somewhere around 8am I fell out and then woke at 10. At 1pm I left to help some friends get set up for a big party they were throwing and came back an hour later. He hadn't gotten out of bed yet. It was 2pm. A little later he came out to the living room, he managed to get a few hours of sleep.

MyPromise Day 1....."Starting Over"

Ok, this Promise thing is beginning to really bother me. Did I take on more then I could handle promising to blog for 28 days straight? No, I think it's a small thing to do to honor me and my choice to LIVESTRONG. I was starting to beat myself up for not getting my blog on yesterday, but since that did not feel good at all, since it didn't help my self esteem in anyway, I decided to chuck that thought and just start over!! I've also got a new plan in mind, I'm going to be doing my blog in the morning since  that's when I do all my journaling. I like it! It's a good plan and starting over feels much better then giving up!

Have a great Day! More later! I'm off to see my grandson get his first Student of the Month award, then I'm taking them to see a San Jose Giants game where my 8 year old granddaughter and her choir will be singing the opening day song for the team! GO GIANTS! In the evening I may take them to the SOFA festival where their parents are working in a pretty incredible exhibit, it's called ART ALIVE!

I will be in touch with my hubby throughout the day, I'm going to miss him.

OH!! In 6 days I will be off work for nearly 3 months!!! Woo Hoo!

Post Traumatic Stress and Cancer?

I realized today that our cancer journey must be similar to other traumatic situations and wondered if we could be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress....I found this website and intend on checking it out further. It's very interesting. Here is what it says about PTSD and Cancer

"People affected by cancer report experiencing emotions and mental states with many highs and lows, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and post-traumatic growth (PTG).
Emotional extremes related to the cancer experience are not uncommon and can be worked through. Have patience with yourself. Explore different strategies to identify what helps you the most. If you feel stuck in a difficult emotional and mental place, try something new. Do not be afraid to ask for help."

http://www.embodiworks.org/cancertreatments/bodymindspirit/posttraumaticstress-growth/

If you visit this website, please let me know what you think about it. If it helps you on your journey in any way.

big hug
(((0)))

MyPromise Day 4 "Giving a voice to my feelings"

I decided today, after talking with a dear friend of mine that it is important for me, as a caregiver, to be able to share my feelings surrounding our life with cancer. A lot of times I will talk about what it is that my husband is going through, his current struggles with weight gain, pain control, his depression, etc, but I rarely will share what it is that I am feeling. It's time to do things differently. Though this talk is good for me, it is somewhat of a distraction, after all, when I can focus on him, I am not looking at myself. I'm not honoring my feelings.

After work today I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle, we traded fava beans for tomato plants. He's got these great 7 bean pods, while mine are 1-3 bean pods. He took advantage of the bragging rights and made fun of my poor little bean pods! LOL I love hin so much! Recently they found out that he has Lou Gherig's disease, it is progressing so fast that it's frightening. Saying good-bye to my Aunt at the door, our eyes filled with the pressure of our tears. "We're just so powerless," I told her. "I try to not let him see me cry," she said. "I cry in the morning before he's awake."I told her.

I get her pain, I get the need to be strong and ready to do whatever is necessary to help them. When I looked in her eyes I saw the fear, that perhaps only another caregiver would recognize. It's that absolute helplessness, it's horror at what the disease is doing to one so loved. When there is nothing you can do to  help them, to cure or solve the problem you are left with watching them suffer. It changes you, it has to.

So how am I feeling today? You know, I find it hard to answer this question. My mind instantly goes to his face, to how he sits in his chair with his body bent over his legs and his head hanging down. As I think about how to answer this I get flooded with a variety of feelings, yet it seems hard to put them to words. I think I'm numb, I think that crying should explain my feelings, they speak a thousand words, after all! Crying says that I'm scared; that somehow, I'm hurting for him, for what he's had to give up in order to live. Crying says that there is a lot of pain in powerlessness. Crying says I want this nightmare to stop, I want him to get better now. Crying says I love him so much, and why did this have to happen to him.

Flooded with feelings, I cry and cry. I feel tired, ready to go to bed, it is 11:35pm after all. I think I'll sleep really good tonight.

I just read this to my husband, boy was that ever hard to do. You know what he did? He danced a little jig and said, "Look, I'm doing alright!' I hugged him and sobbed into his shoulder and he held me so tight. :) He's such a dork! LOL

Good night.
big hug
(((0)))

MyPromise Day 3 "Pain medication or no pain medication"

My husband has been pretty miserable the last few weeks, both he and his doctor have agreed that he can stop the fentanyl patch and possibly the vicodin. The pain that he clearly has been feeling, I believe is a sign that perhaps he should not drop both sources of relief. His legs, hips and back have caused him so much grief. He's getting a couple of x-rays done towards the end of June, right before he sees his regular doctor to see whats going on there. He's looking for arthritis, joint problems anything that could be causing this pain. I wonder about his Lymphoma, since it was found in his bones could that be what causes the pain, or since it's in remission is it arthritis? I will post the question on the Non-Hodgekins Lymphoma support group on Facebook. I am so grateful for this group. It's been such a great source of support for me. https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/267286031762/   I will post what their answer when I get one.

His vicodin came in on Friday, and the relief it gave him was clearly evident. No more leg tapping, he's gotten better sleep at night, he has a better appetite, and a better frame of mind.  I had heard from my daughter from another mother, who has been going to medical school that there is a replacement drug out there for vicodin. One that doesn't have the tylenol in it. I will look for the name and talk with his doctor about it and see if it would be better for my hubby.

My Promise Day 2 "The Invisible Cord!"

I've joined the ranks of the wireless people! Finally I'm able to get on the internet right here as I sit next to my sweet husband in the living room! You should see how happy it makes us!!! No more missing blogs because I don't want to spend any more time away from him. I can't tell you how freeing it is! We have waited a long time to get wireless in our home. Thank you God!!! I love our invisible cord!!

MyPromise Day 1! "Ode to Traveler"

I haven't posted a blog since May 9th, tells you how much I've been on the computer lately. I've had a lot going on in my world, so I haven't wanted to add to the time away from my husband by getting on the computer, one room away from where he hangs out. So, yesterday I bought myself a wireless router which will take care of that little problem! I can hang out with him and blog at the same time!!

Making a promise and keeping it means a lot to me, unfortunately it just wasn't possible for me to be true to my word these last l6 days, so I decided that I'm going to start over...determined I am, to get 28 days in a row of blogging!

This will then be Day 1! Ode to Traveler

My husband is still in so much pain, and has so much nausea. The image I see of him when I close my eyes is him sitting in his recliner, leaning forward with his head bent down almost to his knees. I am so powerless to help him, to take away his nausea...his pain...his depression. Sometimes the sadness of it all just overcomes me. I pray for him every day, but I still don't see the kind of relief, the kind of recovery that I imagine for him. I want him better right now. Like yesterday! I hate cancer. 

Though I can't take away his experience, there is much I can do to help him through it all. Every day I set out his daily medications and his vitamins, and I rub his neck, shoulders and back twice a day. He really loves that..I make him relax and take deep breaths, sometimes I massage his face, especially when I see the deep furrows in his brow from squeezing his eyebrows together from all that pain. Can't tell you how many times I've told him to relax his face! Tuesday I will be scheduling an appointment for him to see a psychiatrist so that he and his anti-depressant's and anxiety meds can get evaluated. I'm so glad he is agreeing to go, he can be such a stubborn patient!

Traveler

2 weeks ago he had to sell his 1983 Ford Bronco to a Pick N Pull lot because no one was interested in buying it. It hasn't worked in nearly 2 years (needed a new motor) It's been his ride for longer then I've known him, and we have many fond memories with it. It took us to and from Virginia on a 30 day road trip back in 2000! We named it "Traveler," it was definitely a red-neck ride complete with HUGE tires! I had to climb a ladder to wash it's windows! LOL! Even though he knew it was time for it to go, it really plunged him further into his depression, me too. It seemed like it was another thing to lose to this disease. I know in my heart that we would have gotten rid of Traveler anyway since "He" was such a gas guzzler, but for right now it's cancers fault. It was hard coming home that first day and seeing the driveway empty. Just today I drove past our house because it wasn't there. I shook my head and then cracked up, as I backed up to our home. Thank God I can see the humor in things, it's just one way I've found of sticking it to cancer! Traveler was so much fun to drive, and I could parallel park it better then he could! At least that's the way I see it! Thank you for being of such great service to us, old boy. I'm crying. It's hard to let go, to walk through change, but I'm doing it, snotty nose and all!

MyPromise Day 8 "My Role is Changing"

I've realized that since my husband's cancers have been put into remission,  (I do the happy dance every time I say that!!!) my caregiving role is changing. The urgency to stay at home as much as possible with him has made way to more freedom of movement for me. I'm spending a little more time with family and friends, and am looking forward to the long days of summer ahead! I've been wanting to take the top off the jeep and go to the beach with girl friends for a few years now. It's officially a plan in the makings!! One of my girlfriends has already called shotgun!

Today was one of those opportunities to go hang out with my family. I met my parents at McDonalds after work for a quick bite, and then we went over to my Aunt and Uncle's to share my bounty of fava beans. My Uncle is a big fava bean fan, I really felt like they belonged with him since it's clear who enjoys them more! He gave me his "secret" recipe, so the next harvest I'm trying his exact recipe. I'm  hoping to love them, they are, after all a part of my Portuguese up bringing! 

It was nice spending time with them, they recently had their world rocked with a surprising diagnosis of Lou Gerhig's Disease.  My Uncle started losing weight at the beginning of the year for no apparent reason, and was feeling pretty weak. The last thing anyone expected was ALS. Here is a very informative webpage for ALS: 

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/amyotrophiclateralsclerosis/detail_ALS.htm

The article has some pretty grim statistics, I hate grim statistics, luckily there is a ray of hope in this line, "However, about 10 percent of ALS patients survive for 10 or more years." I'm praying that he and countless others with this disease will be in this category. It hurts to see the changes in him already, he's always been a vibrant, active man. I can relate to my Aunts pain. I see it in her face, what the disease is doing to her husband is breaking her heart. I get that......I wish I didn't. We are so powerless to stop these diseases, we can only do what we can to make our loved ones comfortable.

At home, hubby had a nice visit with his own Momma! She comes by once a week to bring him his favorite coffee from Starbucks and to see his beautiful face! They catch each other up, well, mostly its her catching him up...he's pretty quiet, and they hang out. He is able to handle visits from friends and family much better these days, as the pain and nausea begin to subside he isn't so irritable. I think he's enjoying being around himself more too! LOL I think he is enjoying being himself! Thank you God!

Bless us all with healing, peace, love, joy and success in all our ventures.

Big hug (((0)))

MyPromise Day 7 "The Smudge"

Today was yet another doctor's appointment, this time it was with a Urologist. My husband got the result of his last blood and urine test and everything came out "normal"! I love hearing the doctor's toss that word around! He had been battling some kidney stones for awhile and they wanted to see what was causing them. The ex-ray did show a "smudge" so he needs to get a CT scan in order to stop any guess work. The smudge could have been a "calcified vein, or perhaps a stone that could cause problems later." What exactly is a calcified vein? It doesn't sound good.

So, off we go to do what we do best, we wait for the appointment day to arrive, then we will wait for the result. In the meantime, I will not go into the creative area of my mind and make up what this "smudge" might be, or the kind of problem a "Calcified vein" can cause. I will busy myself with activities that I love, or with the book that I'm reading! The Hunger Games is a hard one to put down! It's the first book that I've read in a longtime. I will spend time with my hubby, family or friends, or critters and I will exercise! And then there is always God! I will give him the "smudge" and then trust the process. What ever they find will be revealed to us and at that time God will give us whatever we need in order to get through it, or we dance with joy over it's normalcy!

Good night!
Big hug
(((0)))

ps There was weight gain! 113.05 Woo Hoo!

MyPromise Day 6 "Our 4/14"

Today is a very special day for my husband and I, it's the 14th anniversary of the day we met and the 4th anniversary of the day we got married!  For the first time in two years we actually went to the movies! We saw the The Three Stooges, we wanted to see it as soon as we saw the first previews! They did a great job capturing the essence of the original trio!  It was funny, sweet and oh so disturbing! LOL! At first we were the only ones in the theatre, it was kinda nice having a private viewing!  Then, a few others came in and we reluctantly shared our space. We ordered popcorn and a soda...he forgot that he can't do his favorite carbonated drink of his not so long ago past...nausea hit him fast after the first sip. The wave passed before the movie started.

We laughed out loud, we held hands for a bit, we tried figuring out which actor played in some of the other movies/sitcoms that we've seen.  It felt good. They say laughter is good for the soul, well, we crave it!!

A Little Weight Loss

Hubby went in for his B-12 shot on Friday the 4th. He lost 3 pounds since his last visit, down to 110.8 pounds. I know it is very hard to gain weight without a stomach, all those small little meals seems to just be getting burned right off him. I'm going to talk to other Stomach Cancer patients and see what they've done to gain weight.

MyPromise Day 5 "The Calendar Theory"

Had a great weekend with my hubby! A few weeks ago I wrote " Home Day" on the calendar and promised him that today would be ours. The universe tried to fill up my day with other events that really sounded like fun, but I've come to believe in the "Calendar Theory!" It works like this, what you put on the calendar first is what you do, the only way to say yes to something else is if God removes the first event. This Calendar Theory had slipped my mind until 3 events started to creep into my day. I started feeling guilty about them until I remembered the Theory, I promptly called off one meeting, told my parents, no to lunch with them and a few of my brothers, and the other I hadn't officially said yes to.  It felt great having the day to ourselves!

He wanted to get some yard work done, so that's what we did! We spent yesterday doing the same thing, it's heartwarming seeing him feel up to walking around with the weed wacker or pushing the lawn mower around. He couldn't do much of the lawn mowing, at one point needed me to start the mower.. It kinda of caught my breath hearing him ask me for help in that department. God bless him, it's amazing that he did what he did! I don't hesitate to join him in chores that he'd like to see get done around here. It makes things seem kind of normal, every act of yard work is like saying, "F@%$ YOU CANCER!! We are living our life despite of you!!

MyPromise Day 4 "The Book"

Might as well take advantage of feeling wide awake at 2:09 am and write out today's blog! I don't want to be in the same predicament as yesterday...typing up my blog with only moments to spare in the day...I mean I like the little added excitement and all, but...come on!!! I don't need to feel stressed out over something that I want to do!

I was wondering what to write about until I read a few posts in our Stomach Cancer Warriors and Caregiver Family group site, it inspired me to share a story that happened just a few weeks ago. I had just met a woman named Kathryn, and we were talking about the cancers in the lives of people that we love, suddenly a look came over her face and she realized that she had something for me. Earlier that morning she had put a book in her car that she no longer needed, thinking that she may run into somebody that does. Did God tell her about the Stomach Cancer Family group? He must have whispered  in her ear that she would be meeting somebody that day who could use a book like this. "Do you think you would like to have this book?" she asked, and handed me "help me live - 20 things people with cancer want you to know." by Lori Hope. Tears welled up in my eyes, they are welling up right now, actually. "Really?" I said, "This is the perfect book for me right now."  Thank you God for introducing me to Kathyrn, and for this book!

I can't wait to share the lists that Lori Hope has created, she has a list of those "20 things people with cancer want you to know", but there are more lists, like "21 more things that people with cancer want you to know" and then, "16 fabulous things people did for and said to cancer patients", and and and....but before I can share with you I have to get permission from her publisher, so I will get right on that! What a journey that will be!!

Good night, bed is calling!

MyPromise Day 3 "Blog Free Thursdays"

Ok, I got two minutes to post this!!! Yikes!!!  I realized that I cannot include Thursday's in my promise to blog for 28 days. It's the one day of the week where I am busy from sunrise to sunset and I can't squeeze time out for anything else.

MyPromise Day 2 "May is Brain Cancer Awareness Month"

I woke up on the couch at 10:20pm and thought OMG...I gotta get my blog on! I have to keep my promise, it's very important to me to be true to my word, so here I am!

May is Brain Cancer Awareness month and I'd like to take some time to honor all those people who bravely live with this disease. When I first started looking for support for myself online I joined a support group that was open to the public. I mentioned that I needed a support group that was "closed" to the eyes of the world because my husband is a very private man and I needed to honor that. A woman messaged me and told me about her group and let me know that I was more then welcome to join, even though the cancers that our partners were living with were very different. I joined her group and was embraced by so many people who encouraged me, who lifted me up, who gave me suggestions and insight, and who didn't care if I kinda of stuck out like a sore thumb. I met some incredible people who I admire so much, who I will always be grateful for. The woman that started the group inspired me to start a group that was exclusive for Stomach Cancer and the miracles just keep happening. The people in our group inspire me, help me take care of my husband, they make me laugh, make me cry and inspire me to become a better person. My world is a better place because they are in it.

If you or someone you love has been affected by Stomach Cancer you can join our Stomach Cancer Warriors and Caregiver Family group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/152766261499442/


If you, or someone you love is living with Brain Cancer please ask to join the Brain Cancer Family group on Facebook, you will find love and support that will lift you up on your journey.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/111630445593565/

Good night it's past my bedtime, I will start blogging earlier tomorrow!
Big hug
(((0)))

My Promise28

In honor of Japan's Livestrong 1 year anniversary I am promising to blog every day for 28 days straight. It's a healthy habit and will get me used to sharing my experience as a caregiver for my husband who is a survivor of two cancers. They say that it takes 21 days to start a new habit, I'm giving it an extra week for good measure! Here is a blurp from their event page on Facebook.
https://www.facebook.com/events/361747297206897/ 

"MyPromise28 is an individual promise to yourself and others around you to take action and make a healthy change in your life for 28 days or more. You can start anytime and this can be done anywhere in the world. Examples could be starting any good habit such as walking every day or giving up a bad habit such as smoking for 28 days or more or forever! You could even start reading about health or do something more spiritual like yoga or some other form of meditation for your promise.

A goal does not necessarily have to be anything athletic. For a cancer survivor just being able to get up every morning and go back to their hobby, like painting or flower arrangement is what is most dear to them and if they can do that every other day for 28 days that is more than a success.

Other suggestions:
-brown bag your lunch to work and save the money for a donation to charity. If anyone asks why all the frugality you tell them about MP28 and LIVESTRONG
-do the dishes for your wife every day
-promise to read every night
-read a bedtime story to your kids every night"

It's bedtime, 5:30 comes way too early. Thanks for the day, God. I didn't see any improvement in my husbands nausea today, it's been 8 months since his last round of chemo and radiation. The doctor said that the effects would last longer while his weight was down. Please bring on the weight, being free of the nausea would be a huge relief for him. He endures so much without a complaint. He is so strong. I would say he definitely lives strong!

My Favorite Day of the Week, this Week!

Ah.....Sunday, how I looked forward to you all week long! Sleeping in till I feel like getting up!! It's the one day of the week that I get to do that, and I enjoy every minute of it!! 9:19, such a lovely time to wake up! My hubby is sound asleep on the other side of the bed, I hear him softly snoring. I'm so grateful to hear that sound. Can't tell you how many mornings that I put my face close to his just to make sure that he was still breathing. I also hold a finger under his nose too sometimes, waiting to feel the warmth of his breath on my finger...

I get to be here all day with him, no trips anywhere! It's good for me and him! We don't have anything planned except eating and whatever sounds appealing to us.  I watered the back yard and checked on my fava beans. It's my first year growing them, they are my babies! I harvested once already, turns out I'm not a huge fan. I think I prefer them raw to cooked!  I'm giving the next batch to my Uncle who loves them! Last Sunday I planted a bunch of seeds that I had dried myself from my favorite fruits and veges, here's to their growth and success in our garden! I planted blueberry seeds, one lucky Cutesy orange (I only found one seed in dozens of oranges), two "flat" persimmon seeds, some purple Beefsteaks, Roma's, jalapeno's, seranno chili's, some Persian cucumbers, and orange, red and yellow small bell-peppers-the pepper shaped variety. I am anxiously awaiting their arrival! I feel like the earth is my surrogate mother incubating my babies!!

All day long we bounce between relaxing on the couch watching tv, and going outside. We both have been in good moods all day. I have to thank God for that, it's a gift to be on the same page. It's past my bedtime now so I'm off to give him a back massage and put some cream under his eyes. For some reason he has sacks under both eyes that are filled with fluid. The creme seems to be settling them down. A side effect of the chemo? I'm going to read up about that. The massage helps with the knots he gets in his shoulders from the stress he's under. It helps me too, I put lotion and Reiki symbols in my hands and we both relax to the motion.

I love my husband. Thank you for healing him a little bit more today, God. Thank you for all of our blessings, and please, shower blessing of love, peace, joy, health, healing and success in their ventures to all in need.

"Procrastination is Disobedience to God"

Funny that this topic came up today while I was at a dear friends house. She had written down the title of this post after she had heard it on a Sunday morning show that we both watch, but that I missed, and shared it with me while we were discussing a good book.  :)

The funny, isn't a ha ha kind of funny, but a sense of being closely paid attention to by a loving God, kind of funny. I had been asked to write this blog quite a while back and have started and stopped, started and stopped all the while being honored, excited and scared to death about it. I have also had lots of things happen in our world that kept me distracted and or too numb to proceed.

I have thought long and hard about how to write this blog, since so much of my experience as my husband's caregiver is in our past, and yet it's also here now.  What I have decided is that I will be going back and forth between today's journey and our past. I will be referring to my journals, and will share right from those pages when I flash back to the past. I write daily as a form of reflective meditation and it's helped me immensely through sooo many dark, scary hours where all I could do to stay strong was pray, cry, write and trust.

For about four years now I've wanted to write a blog and yet didn't know what to write about, then cancer struck, then so much happened and then I was asked to be the Caretaker Blogger for No Stomach for Cancer's website. (a big honor for me) Really awe struck by how God works in our life I am clear that this opportunity was a gift, one that I was, in a small way procrastinating about getting done. When I was reading up about blogging prior to being asked I read an article that says, "Blog about what you know," well, I know about caregiving. I am passionate about it, it's a love/hate kind of thing. It's time to start!

I have needed courage and motivation to proceed with this project and today I received both! I'm not going to be disobedient any more! It certainly didn't feel good. I look forward to sharing with you as we journey on our Cancer Killing path!

Big hug!
Liz

Gifts of this Journey

It's been on this journey with my husband that I found the value of living in the moment, you can't really get a bigger prize then that. As long as I stay planted in this moment it pays out in peace, trust, love and joy, even in the dark days.

I am his caregiver, the keeper of all his medical information, the one who takes him to all the doctor appointments, who has sat for hours praying and waiting with our family members in the quiet waiting room sanctuary as he went through some horrific surgeries all for the sake of killing cancer and saving his life. I have sat with him during the long hours of infusion, and in the small waiting room while he got 5 weeks of daily radiation. I'm here for him at home in the ways that he needs me, and in the beginning, ways that he didn't need me! I am here to help him live through what seems like a series of bad dreams. We do things together, him and I. That's just the way it is.

One of my jobs as a caregiver is to take care of myself.  Both are quite big jobs, but thankfully I do neither alone. I have a personal relationship with the God of my understanding who I turn to when I first wake up and then as needed during the day. When I end my day giving thanks for all it's blessings, I sleep like a baby which is also an important part of self care. Little sleep makes me loopy and cranky. I am not pretty when I am loopy and cranky! Since this is my blog, I will be talking alot about this God guy that I love soo dearly. Please replace the word God with anything that doesn't offend you if you object to my use of it.

Thank you for being a part of my journey,
Liz

My Husband's Cancers

My husband has two completely unrelated cancers. In April of 2009 after rotor tilling our vegetable garden area, the lymph nodes under both arms swelled up like water balloons. He finally went to see his Doctor in November of 2009 and after biopsies, PET scans and a bone marrow biopsy his Oncologist told us on January 19th, 2010 that he had Follicular Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma Stage 4. After 6 months of R-CHOP, with Filgrastim injections for a week after each infusion, the Lymphoma was put into remission, however a PET Scan showed some activity in his stomach area. An endoscopic exam showed a 4 cm tumor in the entry point to the stomach. It was biopsied and came back positive for Adeno carcinoma.....Stomach Cancer.

The Oncologist believed at first that it was the Lymphoma, he told us that it is rare to have two separate cancers. Like that should have eased our panic. We were dumb struck! Why hadn't the chemo done anything to the cancer in his stomach? I saw what it had done to the Lymphoma...his small brown potato sized tumors were shrunk to nothing after 2 infusions! I later learned that chemo targets specific cancers.

The Oncologist referred us to the surgeon on his team. Our first meeting with her was on August 17th, 2010. She cut right to the chase...I will never forget what she told us that she needed to do in order to remove the tumor. She said that she needed to remove his entire stomach. A complete gastrectomy! I truly thought that she was kidding, like she was leading with that and then was going to tell us what she really was going to do. She was not kidding. She never cracked a smile. As wonderful and kind as she is, beautiful too, we learned that she does not kid around when it comes to her job. She means business. She wanted surgery to be as soon as possible, September 1st to be exact. We left her office knowing that life was never to be the same...Never the same.

Where I found my information

These two websites are the reason why I stuck to the name "The Weeping Jar." The information I found on these pages helped pull my blog together. Displaying them here is my way of saying....Thank You!

http://cemeteryexplorers.blogspot.com/2010/01/weeping-bottles-tear-jars

http://www.webhealing.com/articles/tearjar1.htm

What's in the Name?

I had another name picked out for this blog, but it, and ALL the other names I tried using us a url were all ready taken. Frustrated with all the strikeouts, I typed in a name that had been picked out for the name of a website that was to be used by some old business partners, to my surprise, it worked! I knew that I couldn't use that name, so I thought about the reason for this blog and I nearly cried, which gave me an idea! I took apart the abandoned website name and substituted "Looking" for "Weeping" and wallah!! "The Weeping Jar" was given life.  What made this name stick with me was what happened next. You see, at first I thought this was a very odd name for a blog, it didn't feel right; however, when I googled the name and found information about "tear jars" I was filled with amazement at the perfection of the combination. It turns out that..."some women used tear jars in the customary way, crying into them after the death of a love one whilst others used them to cry into after their loved one left for the Civil War." My husband who is living with two cancers is a reinactor of the Civil War. He reinacted for 10-12 years before we met, then after attending a reinactment I got interested. Together we participated in events for three years before an injury, and then cancer struck. I portrayed a camp wife, he a sharpshooter. "The Weeping Jar" suddenly seemed the perfect name. My husband hasn't been able to reinact for six years now, and strangely enough, though he is always home, sometimes it feels like cancer has taken him off to war. Nothing is as it was before cancer. Crying helps me to let go and accept what is, while working at embracing everything else.